Page 23 - The Attachment Recovery Workbook

MODERN DATING: AN ATTACHMENT NIGHTMARE

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: Modern dating is like an attachment disorder obstacle course.

Think about it:

Dating apps Texting Situationships Ghosting

Designed to trigger A perfect breeding The ultimate avoid- Literally the aban-
both anxious inse- ground for misin- ant playground. donment fears of
curity (“why didn’t terpretation and All the benefits of anxious folks and
they match back?”) anxious rumination. a relationship with the commitment
and avoidant What does “hey” none of the scary fears of avoidants
overload (“too many mean? Why did labels or commit- colliding in a perfect
options, must keep they leave me on ments. storm of “nope.”
swiping”). read? Should I dou-
ble text? Is a period
passive-aggressive
or proper grammar?

Modern dating isn’t just challenging because people are flaky or technology is complicated. It’s challeng-
ing because these systems and behaviors actively trigger our deepest attachment wounds.

And don’t even get me started on how we’re all chronically online, chronically busy, chronically stressed,
and chronically sleep-deprived. Our nervous systems are basically operating in a constant state of low-
grade fight-or-flight.
The point is: If you’re struggling with dating, it’s not because you’re broken or doomed to die alone with
seventeen cats. (Though cats are great; no shade to cat ladies.) It’s because the current dating landscape
is literally designed to trigger insecure attachment patterns.
The good news? Once you understand that, you can start to navigate it differently.

YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE IS NOT YOUR FAULT
Before we go any further, I want to make something crystal clear: Your attachment style is not a character
flaw. It’s not a moral failing. It’s not something you chose.
Your attachment style developed as a response to your early experiences with caregivers and other im-
portant relationships. It was adaptive. It helped you survive the emotional environment you were in.

► If you’re anxiously attached, it’s probably because inconsistent care taught you to be hypervig-
ilant about connection.

► If you’re avoidantly attached, it’s probably because you learned early on that depending on
others was risky or disappointing.

What the Hell Is Attachment Anyway | 17