Page 19 - The Attachment Recovery Workbook

CHAPTER 1

What the Hell Is Attachment Anyway?

We are born to connect. As human beings, we are relational and we need
biological, emotional, and psychological connection to survive.

— Brené Brown

Remember that kid in elementary school who’d grip your arm way too tight during fire drills? Or the one
who’d act like they didn’t care when their parent showed up late to pick them up?
Spoiler alert: That was attachment at work. And those kids grew up to be the adults you’re matching
with on dating apps.
Attachment isn’t just some academic theory cooked up by researchers with too much time on their hands.
It’s the invisible architecture of our relationships—the blueprint that determines how we connect, love,
argue, apologize, and even how we text. (Yes, your double-text anxiety has a scientific explanation. You’re
welcome.)

ATTACHMENT THEORY: THE BASICS WITHOUT THE BS
Back in the 1950s, a British psychologist named John Bowlby noticed something that, in retrospect,
seems pretty obvious: babies need consistent, loving care from at least one adult to develop normally.
Revolutionary, I know.
But here’s where it gets interesting: Bowlby realized that the way those babies related to their caregivers
wasn’t just about survival. It was creating a template—an internal working model, if you want to get fan-
cy—for how all future relationships would work.
Mary Ainsworth took this further with an experiment called the “Strange Situation,” which sounds like a
reality TV show but was actually a controlled observation of how babies reacted when their mothers left
the room and then returned. Some babies got upset when Mom left but were easily soothed when she
returned (secure). Some lost their tiny minds when she left and couldn’t be consoled even when she came
back (anxious). Some barely seemed to notice or care either way (avoidant).

Fast forward to today, and that same pattern is playing out in your Hinge messages. We’ve just added
smartphones and situationships to the mix.

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